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Christmas giving - 11/19/2008 9:03:10 PM
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heavencomedown
Posts: 65
Joined: 11/7/2008
From: Seattle, Wa.
Status: offline
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This is my first time posting a question, i hope I placed it in the right place.
What do you say to family members when they have all kinds of ideas for gift giving and you cant afford thier plans? One side of the faimly wants to give BIG gifts all the way around and we cant afford what they give. They give to everyone in the family and not little things but big things. For instance.. we bought dad a gift already and then sis comes out and says she has a great idea for dad and all the kids are pitching in 200.00... I said i already bought dad a gifr and she says.. oh just keep it and save it for his birthday then... yikes! I thought I had one gift taken care of.. we cant afford to gift give like they can but they dont seem to get it... Id rather skip all the gift giving and go in on a cabin for the weekend and spend time with family...it is so consumerised anymore.. my kids dont ask for much and we keep things simple but the one side of the family is not making it easy,,,, they want to exchange gifts between around 20 or so ppl not icluding the wxpensive parents gifts... the other side of the family is great... no gifts exchanges unles you want. help!
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/19/2008 9:29:37 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2044
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I'm an only child, and dh isn't close to his brothers, so maybe we're lucky. But I have aunts and cousins on one side who've always sent my kids gifts from out of state. I've always thought this was silly. I've never sent their kids gifts. I figure if that's what they want to do well, OK. But my kids hardly even know these relatives! I've never felt obligated to respond in kind.
But your situation's a little different. They're "in your face" somewhat, I assume you get together with these relatives, and they're talking joint gift. I'd guess, though, that you're not the only one thinking they're over the top and wishing everyone would relax and downsize. I'd almost guarantee there'd be people very relieved if you sent a mass email saying this is our plan for Christmas: we're spending x on the parents, x on the kids, and that's it. I also shop very early and get it done.
When my mom's family did draw names and exchange gifts it always drove me nuts that they waited till Thanksgiving to do this. I love Thanksgiving and I get really annoyed when people shortchange Thanksgiving by decorating to planning too much for Christmas too early. BUT, there's no way I'm stepping foot in the mall or any other packed-out crazy store after Thanksgiving. "Sorry I don't shop after Thanksgiving" doesn't help if they just want your $200 - which I agree is steep. But you could just tell them you've already gotten "the perfect" gift for them from you and you are very excited about it and want a more personal gift since it's what you thought of to come from you.
I hate when things like this make the holidays so stressful. Again, maybe that's just a perk of being an only child. I do what I want to do and don't have to compete with or appease anyone else. I did get roped into a Secret Santa thing at school again this year, though. That's $50 I have to spend on someone I barely know (serve on a committee with).
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/19/2008 9:35:40 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1081
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I'm confused why anyone is telling you what kinds of gifts to give. Are they giving you "wish lists" about themselves, or is it one of those, "If we all put in so-many dollars, we could get a big ticket item from all of us together." sort of things? If it is, just say, "No, I don't like group gifts." If your family is pressure-oriented, you may have to say it a bunch, but you don't need to change your stance.
Or is it only you that notice that your gifts don't seem to stack up to the other people's usual standard -- or do they brag-in-advance about what they are buying for whom. There is no reason that who other people choose to include on their giving list should effect who you choose to put on your giving list. In fact, I would consider it poor manners for anyone to even discuss this sort of thing. Again, your line is, "Thanks, but I don't need to know. I've already decided what I'm doing."
If anybody gives you a gift, even if you didn't get them one, send them a personal hand written thank you note -- but it's not about they-got-you-one-so-you've-got-to-get-them-one. If they don't like that you aren't buying for them, they will stop buying for you shortly. If they are buying for you because they van afford to and they like to be generous, the thank-you note will be more than enough... especially if it comes with cookies.
In any case, I'd encourage you to view gift giving as a thing just between you as giver(s) and whomever is receiving the gift that you have chosen for them. Other people's choices have no bearing on what you are giving, to whom, or how much it is worth. Anybody who's sitting under the tree comparing the imaginary price tickets on Christmas morning is pretty superficial... including you, if that's what you are doing.
All people give gifts in keeping with their household finances. Most extended families include some wealthy givers, some moderate, and some scraping-bottom family units. Let the season of giving bring you together rather than being focused on how obvious those different standings become because of gifts. It's not like it's a secret that you have moderate finances and are frugal people is it?
Let go of trying to manage other people's feelings and just give as you think best.
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/20/2008 11:27:30 AM
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Tashilein
Posts: 208
Joined: 9/30/2008
From: Belgium living in Bahrain
Status: offline
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Well, in our family (including my aunts and uncles)... When it comes to any gift giving situation, we have no set rules. For my parents' 25th wedding anniversary, I planned on giving them a weekend away to Dublin as we had had a difficult time in the past year and they could use a romantic getaway. I asked around in the family to get their opinion and it would depend on whether I would get the amount together or not. As everyone's financial situation is different, I let them decide for themselves how much they wanted to ship in, if they would want to. I got the sum together and when we celebrated some relatives still brought some flowers or a little something.
One Christmas I entered a competition on the radio that was giving away one wellness-weekend to a couple. You had to state with whom you wanted to spend it and why. I told them I had nobody I could spend it with. But if I'd win it, I would give as a gift to my cousin and his wife. The reason was that on New Year's day that year they had suddenly lost their baby (also the first grandchild and first greatgrandchild) and they had been so strong. And with the holidays coming up and the anniversary of his death, I just wanted to support them in some way and I knew they like to go away for a weekend to relax. I won the competition and they had a great weekend.
Sometimes I give something to other relatives than my close family and sometimes I don't. My brother and I have given separate gifts to our parents and sometimes we bought something togeter for them. Kinda depended on remembering what they wanted to get at some point but for some reason haven't gotten it. The "maybe for my birthday"-things.
I would suggest, like others have, to tell them you have gotten a gift already and do not wish to ship in. At the end of the day, it's the thought behind the gift that should matter. Not the size and definitely not the price.
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/20/2008 1:38:29 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 322
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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Be honest and polite.
I asked my siblings to chip in for a gift for my mom. It was "only" $40 a person. My brother and SIL could not afford that. Their birthday gift to my mom was going to be coming over and doing her yard work and bringing her some home-made cookies. I had NO idea they were in the financial pinch they were in and once they told me that was the end of it. We all went with our own gifts.
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I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/20/2008 2:08:03 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4428
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3tulips
Be honest and polite.
i think communication is the best bet and sticking firm ... this has potential to come up all the time: Christmas, birthdays, mothers/fathers day, etc and now's just as good as any to make your position clear. i realize you used terms like sis and dad but if this is your husband's side of the family, perhaps he needs to be the one to talk to them.
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/20/2008 3:42:07 PM
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heavencomedown
Posts: 65
Joined: 11/7/2008
From: Seattle, Wa.
Status: offline
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I wish we could just exchange one name per family.. they want it otherwise and always have. They have their own ideas about what to give, .. I really like the idea about teling them that "we already found the perfect gift, and the one of "dont tell me I dont need to know since we already bought one"."Im not worried about our gifts not 'stacking up" aginst everyone elses, in fact, I really dont care if they match up or not. We give what we can and not any more. My husband and I both have good jobs and are doing fine but We like to give small gifts, not beacasue of the money factor but because of the thought.. it seems they would know that we have our own kids to buy for and are not rich, but not poor either.. We will be if we go through with thier plans this Christmas though! I am really hating the consumerism of Christmas.....We celebrate Jesus, the find the fun in getting stuff. We wouldnt have a problem at all with a big donation to dads present but then they want to exchange tons other stuff... sigh... maybe I should give a cow or camel to a family in another country or a gift of money to a family to start a bussiness or chicken projest in everyones name, that is what id really like to do. We will probably tell them that we will pitch in for the big gift but are opting out of gift giving this year so we can set an example for our kids and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. Just have to get the guts up to do it! Im thinking that maybe they just dont know where our money goes becasue we dont live super close and see eachother a whole lot. Pur kids are in Awana, Homeschool co-op with tuition, we tithe etc. they rarely attend church... you know "C and E'ers"
thanks so much for all the replies, Im still reading them over for moral support and ideas!
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/20/2008 8:48:01 PM
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nevaehs_gaze
Posts: 354
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: United States
Status: offline
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Yikes! I'd just tell them, you don't have that much set aside in your Christmas budget, but you can chip in $... instead, OR, simply say I have something else in mind and go with that. In my opinion, gift giving should be personal anyway - they always seem to mean more when you spend the time and energy to pick out something special yourself.
My family always does single gifts for every member, usually nothing over $50 and rather simple. We like to keep Christmas as a family oriented holiday rather than a consumer driven holiday. Exchanging gifts takes no more than a half hour and we spend the rest of the day together playing board games, going to see a movie at the theater (a rare, only-on-Christmas family treat), and cooking a special meal. However, this year, regarding our circumstances, we're doing family-group gifts instead of individual gifts. Mix it up - gift giving doesn't have to follow the same style every year! Keep 'em surprised, haha. 
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/21/2008 1:38:14 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 766
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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There's nothing wrong with standing up for
your own ideas about gift giving and keeping
things less commercial.
We have extended family who give the grandchildren
expensive gifts and now the grandchild expect nice
toys! Last year the grandchildren were turned off by
the gifts we gave and quickly tossed the presents aside
and went back for their expensive ones. Their dad
tried to get them interested in our gifts but it didn't work.
The real meaning of Christmas is getting compromised in
their family {yes, the parents are Christians and the dad is a minister!}
We set a price limit on a child's gift at fifty dollars - we're not budging!
{our oldest grandchild is seven and the youngest is two months.}
None of them are lacking for toys - all of them have so many toys that their closets, bedrooms and garages are bursting with toys - I do not see any reason to indulge them with more toys.
When Christmas isn't about pleasing ourselves with an abundance of gifts and stuffing our faces with food and sweets!
It's hard to watch non-Christians do that - much less Christians!
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RE: Christmas giving - 11/21/2008 3:34:56 PM
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jlea1982
Posts: 28
Joined: 10/7/2008
From: Las Vegas, NV
Status: offline
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In my family we only give gifts to the kids. There the one's that enjoy the presents. The adults only receive gifts on birthdays. We try to keep it simple.
There is no need to get your parents a large gift on Christmas when it is something that can be given on an anniversary or a birthday. I beleive Christmas should be about celebrating Jesus and birthdays can be when you celebrate the individual.
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Jessica
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