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Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/19/2008 2:09:33 AM
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Raptorman
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From: Colorado
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Hello again, ladies.  I hope you're all having a blessed day.
I was listening to a podcast by the pastor at a local church (not "my" church, but one I attend once in a while) discussing dating, and he said that some girls often set the bar too high for potential boyfriends. They look for the qualities they see in a man who has been married for twenty-five years, instead of looking to see if a guy has the potential, the ability to learn those qualities. Instead of looking for the apple trees, he advised to look for the seeds which can grow, with time and effort to water them.
When I tried to ask a girl out last year, this may have been one of the reasons why she said no, though I'm unsure. But I was curious as to what you think of this teaching. Do you think girls should look for desired qualities already manifested in the guy asking her out, or just look for the "seeds" of what they would like to see in a husband? What has been your experience with this in regards to the potential/actual boyfriends in your life?
Thanks for your time, ladies. *Tips hat*
Kindest of regards,
Raptorman
_____________________________
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." - G.K. Chesterton
"If we valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." - J.R.R. Tolkien
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/19/2008 8:15:57 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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For me, since I'm older, I look for fruits. Guys in the age-range I'm looking for should already have a solid history of good character, whether they've been married or not.
When I was younger, I suppose I was looking for qualities that didn't exist, but once I realized what I was doing, I started looking at potential instead.
_____________________________
<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/19/2008 12:09:02 PM
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miasma
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quote:
Do you think girls should look for desired qualities already manifested in the guy asking her out, or just look for the "seeds" of what they would like to see in a husband?
Both. Unless she's already perfect, and possesses everything a man could want in a wife, I can't see how she could expect the same from a man. One important quality of a relationship is "bringing out the best" in each other; helping one another develop and grow - esp. in areas that have never been "watered," (ie, someone might have that seed, but they don't know because they haven't dated the right person, or had a situation in which to develop in that area).
quote:
What has been your experience with this in regards to the potential/actual boyfriends in your life?
I take people as they are, and I expect them to do the same for me, faults, seeds, good points, possible issues, all of it.
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/19/2008 1:49:17 PM
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losgan
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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It really depends on the particular trait for me.
For some things, like spiritual leadership, for me I look for fruit.
But when it comes to things like doing little special nothings, I look for potential. Is he kind and thoughtful? Then he can probably figure out that I LOVE little nothings of special "I thought of you" surprises.
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/20/2008 10:01:02 AM
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car2ner
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Since everyone's fruit is constantly growing, no one has actually arrived. There are some issues that have to be demonstrated with fruit... Good understanding of God,scripture,grace,salvation,etc... good understanding of finances and material possessions and work ethics, etc... but other things can be seeds, like hobbies.
It hurts to hear someone say, "this is not the person I married" because they married to potential, not fruit.
I would disagree with the pastor on this one.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/20/2008 11:16:23 AM
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LivingParadox
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When I was younger I looked for potential instead of actual qualities....big mistake. When I say actual qualities, that doesn't mean some 20 something that knows everything they want to accomplish yet or that they totally have their life together. What I'm talking about is how do they treat everybody over the long term, do they have integrity and character. No matter the "potential" guys have if they don't have the basic good guy qualities that potential isn't going to be realized. And if you think you are going to change the guy you are wrong ...they will change you first.
So what do I look for now?
How's their walk with Christ?
Do they tell the truth?
What do other people, not just those romatically interested say/think about the person? (People that really know him-- not rumors)
Instead of their words, what do their actions say?
Do they add to, instead of take away from your walk with Christ?
Trust me, if you can answer those questions positively, you don't have to worry about a guy's potential. (same goes for the girls)
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/20/2008 4:50:23 PM
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ebony101
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At my age, they'd better have the qualities, if they don't have it now, they'll never have it.
Seriously though, I look for qualities that show up, I adhere to the belief that you can't change a person, the person has to be willing to change themself. Whatever qualities he has when I marry him, that's the qualities I get stuck with & vice versa.
It sounds to me that if I look for potential - potential being qualities that I hope that he'll develop. Then that means 2 things:
1) I'm thinking that when I marry him, he'll change or I'll help him to change. Ain't going to happen, whatever a guy sees in me, he's going to have to accept that that's the way I am. I'm not changing & I don't want him to try to change me.
2) He doesn't have the qualities that I want, so I'm settling for less. I want a man who's financially responsible, you're not. I'll settle for it, you have potential ... I don't think so.
Now that doesn't mean I'm looking for someone who's perfect, there are some things that are open to compromise. But I'm not going to marry you for certain non-negotiable qualities that just aren't apparent.
& that's my humble opinion.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/21/2008 12:46:56 AM
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rgod
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I look for actual qualities and ask myself - is this the Lord for me and can I live with him exactly as he is, even if he never changes? If he changes - whoopie! If not, it is ok.
But I think many women marry for potential. That is why they are so upset when men don't change right away after they are married.
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/21/2008 6:46:25 PM
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captainfraulein
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I look for good character. Good character means not lying by omission. A lot of guys think that this is not lying.
So if a guy has good character...he is already being a godly man. Growing in holiness every day.
Growing up in Christ, accountability partner, as iron sharpens iron.
_____________________________
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/28/2008 7:41:40 PM
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ebony101
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
But I think many women marry for potential. That is why they are so upset when men don't change right away after they are married.
Ditto. Well said.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/28/2008 10:41:11 PM
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shemaromans
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quote:
ORIGINAL: captainfraulein
I look for good character. Good character means not lying by omission. A lot of guys think that this is not lying.
So if a guy has good character...he is already being a godly man. Growing in holiness every day.
I look for both and appreciate what captainfraulein wrote. Good character (the actual qualities in place) is important and also shows the promise (potential) for continued growth.
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 9/29/2008 12:21:30 AM
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Prairiehiker
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I look at what is and if there's a lot there that I like, then, I look at other things that could be.
It's very important for me to have a partner that has a humble and teachable attitude. Someone who's willing to learn, whether from his mistakes, or just willing to learn to expand his horizon is very attractive.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 10/27/2008 2:47:11 AM
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Anamchara
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I have high expecations of myself, so I guess I would say actual qualities. Being christian and showing up for church once in a while isnt enough... I would expect more actual involvement, more passion in life, more leadership and evidence of God's chastisement in their life. These are the men that I find attractive!
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 11/5/2008 12:50:54 PM
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DuckTalk
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From: A Duck Hole in Tennessee
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
Do you think girls should look for desired qualities already manifested in the guy asking her out, or just look for the "seeds" of what they would like to see in a husband? What has been your experience with this in regards to the potential/actual boyfriends in your life?
Raptorman
EVERYONE has potential. EVERYONE is a seed.
On what grounds do we base our interest level in anything?
MANIFESTED QUALITIES!
Here is a decent example: Say I like a man who has a good sense of humor. It is safe to say that some guys have a good sense of humor while others do not. However, all guys have the potential for developing a good sense of humor.
Do you think I would be attracted to a guy who exercises no humor at all & continue going out with him because he has potential ?
The same applies with any quality that is truly fruitful. Although potential is a valuable thing, not all seeds bear the fruit that it is intended to be, so I see potential as only worthy when it is fulfilled!
_____________________________
Sufferin' sassafrass. The nerve of some people, profitting from other people's miseries.
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RE: Do you look for potential or the actual qualities? - 11/10/2008 8:51:58 PM
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creationtalk
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Ya know, I used to think that "potential" was all that was needed. So I married a guy who was intelligent, with great potential. But I had forgotten one very important physics principle. Potential goes NOWHERE with out a force behind it. And the wife CANNOT be the force, it has to come from within. Well, the guy still had lots of potential when he divorced me...because he was still exactly where he had been 10 years before.
If I were to ever look for another spouse, I'd look for someone with the qualities that I want already manifest. I'm not going to sit around waiting for "potential" to get motivated.
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