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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2008 4:36:03 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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After having dug to a depth of 10
feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of a copper-wire system
dating back 100 years, and they
came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
------------------------------------------------
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in
the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20
feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old
copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the New Yorkers.'
-------------------------------------------------
One week later, The Redneck Rebel
Gazette in Brumley, Mo. ,
reported the following: 'After
digging as deep as 30 feet in an empty field near Brumley, Bubba Ray
Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Missouri had already gone wireless.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2008 4:38:13 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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A Young Gunfighter:
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer..
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your backside, and it won't hurt as much."
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2008 4:39:13 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he
drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What
happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and
I made a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/26/2008 12:48:29 AM
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MediumOneOne
Posts: 422
Joined: 10/6/2008
Status: offline
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Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
< Message edited by MediumOneOne -- 10/26/2008 1:21:39 AM >
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I'm on the left
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 12:13:28 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket..
and,
The coffin stops
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 12:50:05 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Oooh! You copied that from the public school forum!!!! LOLOL!!!
I laughed then, and I'm laughing now.
I shared that joke in my office too and we all got a kick out of it. 
No I got it off FreeRepublic. It's an old one but still good. I don't usually venture into the other forums too much here.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 4:31:42 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, ‘This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!’ So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ‘Officer, I don’t understand, I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?’
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number,not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
‘But before you go, Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken.’
‘Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.’
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 5:01:28 PM
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blueeyedgirl2
Posts: 666
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, ‘This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!’ So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ‘Officer, I don’t understand, I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?’
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number,not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
‘But before you go, Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken.’
‘Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.’
That is great. . . Love it!
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**Becky
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 11:17:49 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3170
Status: offline
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SENIOR GIVING BIRTH
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the baby?" one asked.
"Not yet", said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
30 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet", replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked,
"Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?"
_____________________________
Melissa
<---Smokey
Tribute to a Good Friend (Blog Entry)
MY CAT POST
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/31/2008 11:29:04 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3170
Status: offline
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Scripture Defense
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a verse of Scripture to you."
Scripture?" replied the burglar. "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"
_____________________________
Melissa
<---Smokey
Tribute to a Good Friend (Blog Entry)
MY CAT POST
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/7/2008 2:49:08 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3170
Status: offline
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Seen in Reader's Digest magazine:
Scary Business Headline:
"Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply For Job in BRAILLE!"  
(originally from thisisplymouth.co.uk)
_____________________________
Melissa
<---Smokey
Tribute to a Good Friend (Blog Entry)
MY CAT POST
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 1:34:09 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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I was very depressed last night thinking about 4 years of Obama and Biden, so I called the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 1:37:36 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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click here
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. ~ Groucho Marx ~
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 1:49:14 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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and 2063 years later, more or less, what have we learned?
“The budget should be balanced. The treasury should be refilled.
Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controled. Assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed
lest Rome become bankrupt. Instead of living on public assistance,
people must learn to work.”
Cicero, 55BC
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 1:56:46 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I was very depressed last night thinking about 4 years of Obama and Biden, so I called the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
LOLOLOL! That is just sooo hilarious!
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 2:29:46 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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A guy witnesses an accident
I don't remember if there was any foul language or not. I was laughing too hard to catch it.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 4:56:38 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Just one time...
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/14/2008 5:03:01 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8038
Joined: 9/5/2006
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And staying to a theme.....
View the picture before reading the text below
Royal family
Is this series of pix like the "spot the ball" challenge. Are we to figure who farted?
My money's on Prince Philip.
In the top pic, Will is reacting, as grandpa smirks, Charles acts as though he has heard something.
In the middle pic, Will is getting a good whiff, and the prince and princes are looking toward the perp, who now looks proud of his action
In the bottom, they are reacting to the Queen being assailed by the escaped gas.
(Even royalty is human)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/16/2008 9:07:55 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8878
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: offline
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If you feel a joke is a violation of TOS, report it and we'll look into it. Debating the appropriateness of the joke disrupts the conversation and takes the thread off topic. Thank you.
Do not send me PM's about this.
Do not discuss this in the public forums.
If you have any questions please contact community@salemwebnetwork.com
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/16/2008 5:27:33 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6040
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
A guy witnesses an accident
I don't remember if there was any foul language or not. I was laughing too hard to catch it.
That was hilarious!!! I think my co-workers will enjoy that tomorrow morning.
_____________________________
<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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